Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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