I look better un-naked...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
