I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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