some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
