She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
