friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
