i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it glows. i had to have it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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