Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
