people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
