I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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