saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize