I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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