She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize