She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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