so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
