I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
