seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Randomize
