Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
