Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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