APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
