this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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