so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
is that a dick in a sweater?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
