Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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