Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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