I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just googled if crying burns calories
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
