no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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