I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize