Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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