the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
