Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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