And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
