The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
