She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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