So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize