dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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