Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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