the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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