Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
