pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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