Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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