The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
