i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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