drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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