my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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