Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
