Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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