I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The ass gains better be worth it
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