sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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