Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
