I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
