hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
