Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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