I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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