My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
