Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
