the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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