I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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