Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
