who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry about my life...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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