I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
