Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
