the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize