Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
