I wish I could punch you in the face.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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