whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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