my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
