This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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