How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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