It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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