Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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