White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
