smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize