I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
