I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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