3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
